I'm surprisingly calm. That's how I'd look at it anyway. But when Pa-Pa died I remember thinking the same thing, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprise.d The person who brought you happiness in life would not want you to be upset. No matter how things ended.
I don't know why he wouldn't stop drinking. Even when it was obvious what it was doing...the TIA and everything...oh, I can't. He was my dad, fuck it, I'm not going to run him down or hate him, I'll always love him, my dad. I've been there and I stopped, but I don't know what everyone else goes through. He had a hard life. His dad dying when he was 7, no birthday parties ever, taking the bus home from graduation alone, the uncle who robbed them. I don't know why he did what he did and never will. I don't know why I'm angry with my mother other than that it's okay to be angry with her because I've been angry with her before. But I love her too. I don't want this to have happened to her. I don't wnat her to feel this way. I don't want her to have been so hurt. I don't want to leave her behind. I miss my dad and I miss my mom & dad, momanddad.
Amy...what it boils down to is I can't go through this again. I love you and that is why I'm doing this with you, but it's also for me. I can't have it, don't want it. You starving is like him drinking--didn't you pick up on that? So that's why I'm doing this. There won't be a hospital to take you to for a long time, no treatment center. It's me, it's on me, do you understand? And I know what you say to that and that it's self-centered bullshit and I can't help it, I'm sorry. Failure failure failure. I've got to do this, even if you DIDN'T want to. I've got to save SOMEBODY.
After Dad and Grandma the house was useless--that was obvious. And no I'm not going to talk about it too much. I'm dissasocialaksj;lkdjlkj whatever from it, I know that, and that's fine. I was so used to it by then anyway, never thought of who they used to be. (But that's not true at all, is it? Look at that Mr. Stone post down there! This case was this case, is what I respond to that.) Nobody saw it which is what I'm grateful for. Nobody saw until it was alread done, a fait accompli if you will as it were so to speak in a sense. I'd nver seen them go so berserk before and I'm grateful because that's what I concentrated on, Ryan too. Just flailing, tearing things apart, trying to get up, down, out, wherever. I wish we'd known--known for sure--that it was all but over. Maybe we could have toughed it out another week? Not fallen apart? How I hate that this happened. Hate it, hate it, it's so black and bitter because what can you do but choke on it and HATE IT SO MUCH, everything since March, HATE IT? Regret is what frightens me you know. Mistakes you can't ever fix, things you do wrong that you can't ever make up for. That's the scariest. I mean isn't it? I learned that when I cheated. And the night I ran out of the apartment and woke up by the dumpster. That's unfixable, isn't it? Is it forgiveable but unfixable? Does that stay broken? Oh Daddy, Daddy, I love you!!!!!!! Why?
Ryan's gonna move in with Samantha's family until things get moving again, and Caitlin is going back to Philadelphia after Christmas, and Mom is going with her and we are going to Colorado with our cats and Mom is taking their cats. We're not waiting till they let the planes back in the air--we're driving. We wanted to leave by sundown but that's not happening. Maybe after dinner. There'll be rough spots but hopefully we're tuned in enough to avoid them and now that they're not coming back anymore it should get better and better. Amy needs her family and I need Amy, so really, that decision is made. Watching it all fall apart, well, I need
My christmas present for everyone was a big kiss. For you guys I don't know. I'm glad that you made it through. I might try to get back on here again in Colorado, if I can. But maybe not. Maybe not. Well, good luck. Good luck to you. I'm okay, I'm okay, don't worry about it. That's all.